So Long 2010...

It's New Years Eve and today's the day when people all over the world post about the past year and what they're looking forward to in the coming year... and why should I be any different?   

Looking back, it was, like all the years before, a year of good intentions and poor follow-through.  It was a year of getting on and falling off the primal horse... not much more I can say about that.  I've always had a problem with actually doing what I said I wanted to do... especially if there's hard work or unpleasantness involved.  But that's that and it can't be undone - it's all about learning the lesson and not repeating it.  There were highs during the year too, but, I'm a 'glass half empty' kind of girl, so I don't really think on the good things that often... I just harp on the bad. 

This is a time to look forward to what the next year and the next decade are going to hold.  I'm propping myself back up and I'm climbing on the horse again as of tomorrow.  I've spent the past couple of weeks eating out of my SAD fridge... eating or discarding all the non-primal things.  Tomorrow, I'll take my first "before" and "after" pictures... of the fridge and pantry.  I'll be going to the grocery store tomorrow to stock the fridge, freezer, and pantry with lots of good, primal stuff. 

At the core, here are my goals for 2011, primal and otherwise:

• Work towards not sweating the small stuff.  I always say I'm a type A+ personality working to be an AB.  I need to chillax, learn to roll with the punches better, and remember that there is a such thing as controlled chaos.  I think life will be pretty boring over the next 40 years if I try to stamp out any bit of the unexpected and, boy am I on that path right now.  Time for a detour.   
• Commit to the primal/paleo lifestyle and really give myself a chance.  I've done the yo-yo, falling off the horse, falling off the wagon thing for way to long now.  I want to give primal/paleo an honest-to-goodness chance and, by extension, hopefully give myself a chance. 
• Go on a real vacation that involves going to some place I've never been.  It's just me, I've never been a good saver, and it's not quite so much fun to do things alone, so I never go on a real vacation.  I can't help but think it would be a waste of money if I did it, etc, so I just stay home.  I've always felt that my A+ is smothering some adventuress within me and, this year, I want to let her out.  
• Complete a sprint triathlon with my friends.  I've wanted to to this for a long time now... years and years.  I've always felt like completing a triathlon would sooth some internal beast that's raging to get out.  This is the year to 'release the Kraken!' 
• Be open to new people, experiences, and life in general.  I tend to isolate and, with my biological clock ticking with the urgency of the timer on a stick of dynamite, I need to not isolate if I plan to do anything to quell the tick, tick, ticking.  I think there's magic in the air for me this year and, even if there isn't, who says I can't make a little for myself. 
• Be more positive.  Yeah, I admit it - I'm a Debbie Downer.  I've always been a pessimist and I do think I makes me a more unhappy person and makes situations more difficult than they have to be.  I'm also a worrier, which I imagine goes hand-in-hand with being a pessimist, and that leads to more negative thinking and heavy mental strain...it's cyclical.  Time to get off the merry-go-round. 

Happy New Year!  Here's to a smooth ride in 2011, with a few minor bumps to keep the ride interesting.  Hope the new year holds great things for you and yours.  Grok on!

Red and Blue Tomato and Olive Salad

I love tomatoes... they're one third of the best thing on earth.. the BLT.  They're not always good, as we know, but during the summer, they smell good and they taste just fantastic.  I would like to grow some for myself, but I have cats who get into everything and I hate for them to hurt themselves.  This week, I was able to get my hands on some really great beefstake tomatoes.  Given that I wanted some simple recipe for them and I was craving blue cheese, I came up with this.  I think it's easy enough and lightning fast and would go great with something off the grill.  Hell, you might even try grilling the tomatoes just a bit.

Ingredients:

• About 2 cups of tomato, cut in a large dice
• 3 T. chopped cured black olives
• 3 T. blue cheese crumbles
• 1/4 red onion, sliced very thinly
• 2 T. extra virgin olive oil
• 2 T. balsamic vinegar
• pinch of salt
• pinch of pepper

In the bottom of a bowl, add the olive oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper.  Give it a good whisk.  Drop in the rest.  Using a fork or spoon, gently fold everything so things are well distributed and coated in the dressing.  That's it.

When I tasted it, I thought it would go great with a grilled steak.  Or maybe will some asparagus pieces.  Mmmm!

The olives and blue cheese are salty enough, but maybe some chopped bacon on top too would be good. 

Serve.  Eat.  Enjoy. 

Roasted Tomato Salsa

I've never been a huge fan of salsa.  When I want a snack, I never crave chips and salsa like I've heard some other people do.  But, salsa is a great flavor addition to dishes (meatloaf topping, eggs/omlets, vegetable flavoring, maybe a meat marinade) and is pretty much nothing but vegetables.  In the past, I've found a lot of salsa's to be too wet for my taste - they're almost runny, so when I ran across a roasted tomato salsa, I thought it would be perfect for my tastes.  The roasting would remove some of the water from the tomatoes and concentrate the flavor a bit. 

You can roast your tomatoes under a broiler if you want, but I have bad luck with the broiler - I always burn things - so I just roast them in a high oven. 

Ingredients:  

• 6 roma tomatoes
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 1/2 an onion, chopped in a small dice
• 2 jalapenos, minced
• 1/4 c. chopped cilantro
• 1/2 t. salt
• uice of 1/2 a lime
• drizzle of olive oil
• salt and pepper to taste

Preheat your oven to 450. 

Slice 3 of your tomatoes thinly and lay them out in a single layer on a sheet pan, covered with parchment paper.  Drizzle the tops with a bit of olive oil and sprinkle with a bit of salt and pepper.  Put the tomatoes in the hot oven and let them roast until the skins appear shrivled and the tomatoes look sort of dry.  As I mentioned, they will burn, but we don't want burned tomatoes - just roasted - so keep an eye on them.

Grab a piece of foil.  In the center of the foil, place half the onions, half the jalapeno, and one of the garlic cloves.  Drizzle over a bit of oil and a pinch of salt and pepper.  Grab up the edges of the sheet of foil and pinch them together to make a hobo pouch.  Plop that in the oven, on an empty shelf.  When you take the tomatoes out, take the onion mixutre out. 

In a bowl, dump in the remaining onions, jalapeno, and garlic clove.  Dump in the hot onion mixture that we roasted and give it a little toss with the uncooked ingredients so that the raw onions can kind of wilt just a bit.  Dice the remaining 3 tomatoes up in a sort of small dice and put them in the bowl.  When the roasted tomatoes have cooled so you can handle them, dice them up as well and toss them in.  Add the cilantro and lime juice to everything and give it all a nice toss.  Taste it and add the desired salt and pepper. 

Serve.  Eat.  Enjoy!

Sweet and Sour Braised Cabbage

I'm kind of a grazer when it comes to recipes. If I see something that catches my eye (or my stomach really), I think of what I'd do differently and see if anyone's done it that way and then see if that inspires me to look at some other way to tweak the recipe. In the end, I have a recipe that is what I think of as the best of several recipes.

 

I'm a big fan of Health-Bent. Megan and Brandon come across as nice people and they always have great looking recipes. My father's side of the family is German, so I have sauerkraut juice running through my veins. When I saw this quick kraut recipe over at HB, I knew I had to try it out. But then, what about adding some caraway seeds - you know, like you'd find in rye bread which is fantastic with a Reuben? So I searched. Then I found a recipe with apples, onion, and caraway seeds. Mmmmm. But it used vegetable oil, too much apple when I'm trying to be low carb, not enough apple cider vinegar, and honey where it's not needed. After some tweaking, here's what I ended up with.

 

Ingredients:

• 1 T. butter
• 1 onion, sliced
• 1/2 - 2/3 of a large cabbage, shredded, similar to sauerkraut (I used what was left over after making Primal Stuffed Cabbage)
• 1 small to medium granny smith apple - a little sweet, a little tart - peeled, cored, and sliced into thick matchsticks (I quartered the apple and then sliced each piece of apple in thirds horizontally before slicing vertically)
• 6 T. apple cider vinegar
• 1 t. caraway seeds
• 1 c. liquid (water, chicken or veg stock or broth - whatever you have handy)
• Salt and pepper to taste

 

Melt the butter over a pan on medium heat. Add the caraway seeds and cook for 1 minute to let the heat help make them fragrant. Add the sliced onion, apple matchsticks, and shredded cabbage. Toss everything together and put a lid on the pot. Let the cabbage wilt down a bit over medium heat for 10 minutes. Stir the mixture, add the AC vinegar and liquid, give it another stir, and replace the lid. Let cook for another 20 to 30 minutes, until everything has wilted down and is tender and most of the liquid has evaporated. My batch made about 3 cups.

 

Eat! Enjoy!

 

P.S. - I thought it was better the second and third day. To reheat, I put it in a saute pan with some sliced, cooked bratwurst that I'd cooked at the same time I was braising the cabbage. Delicious.

Primal Stuffed Cabbage

I'd never made stuffed cabbage before, but I've wanted to make it many a time. I'd actually never even eaten stuffed cabbage until I made this, but I enjoyed it. It seems quite labor intensive and it kind of is, but not too much to turn me off. To me, the most difficult thing was coordinating all the steps, but in the end, I found it to be quite delicious and flavorful. I replaced the rice with cauliflower and I honestly didn't miss it. Great heated up the next day for lunch.

 

Ingredients:

 

Meat Mixture

• 1 T. olive oil
• 1 lb ground beef (or whatever ground meat you like)
• 1/2 an onion, diced finely
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1-1/2 t. salt (or to taste)
• 1/2 t. ground black pepper
• 1-1/2 cups cauliflower, riced, minced, shredded, pulverized, or however you get yours small
• 2 eggs
• 1 c. tomato sauce (recipe below)  

1 large head of cabbage

 

Tomato Sauce

• 1/2 onion, diced finely
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 28 oz tomatoes, with juice
• 3 T. tomato paste
• 2 sun dried tomatoes
• 1/4 c. vinegar, balsamic (for slightly sweeter) or red wine (for more tang)
• 2 T. parsley
• 1-1/2 t. Italian seasoning
• 1/2 t. oregano
• 1 t. ground black pepper
• 1 t. onion powder
• 1 t. garlic powder
• pinch of basil (I don't really like basil so I usually just use a bit at a time because it seems obligatory in a tomato sauce)
• pinch of crushed red pepper
• 1 cup-ish chicken stock (or whatever kind of stock you have)

 

Go ahead and preheat your oven to 350.

 

For the cabbage, choose a larger one simply because it will have larger outer leaves which will make wrapping your little cabbage bundles easier. We need to get the leaves off the cabbage without tearing them too much and make them pliable enough for us to wrap around the meat mixture. To do this, we boil the cabbage just a bit. At this point, don't core the cabbage yet.

 

In a large, empty pot, place your head of cabbage. Cover the cabbage with cold water, just enough to come up to the core. This ensures that you have enough water to boil the cabbage, but not so much that retrieving the leaves is difficult. Remove the cabbage and put it in a bowl, since water will probably be draining out of it. Put a good dose of salt in the water and put it on to boil. While you're waiting for the water to boil, turn your cabbage so the core is facing you. Take a sharp knife and make four cuts around the core so you've basically made a square. You can cut in a circle if it makes you feel better, but the square is easier since it's just a stab, a couple of saws, and a turn of the cabbage. The point here is not to remove the core so you don't have to make your cuts on an angle. Straight down is fine. The point is to separate the outer leaves from the core so you don't have to try to cut them off while the cabbage is in the hot water and so you don't have to pull the cabbage out of the hot water, peel off a few leaves, put it back in the water for a bit, pull it back out, etc.

 

When the water is boiling, place your cabbage in, making sure the water covers the area around the core where we made our square. Let the cabbage sit a few minutes until the outer leaves start to look bright green - you'll notice the change - and the outer leaves at the top of the core have pulled away from the core a bit. Once that happens, take a pair of tongs and gently pull the outer leaves off the cabbage near the core. They should come off easily - maybe you'll need to do some manoeuvring of the cabbage with a spoon or something (roll it off the leaf you're trying to extricate) - otherwise, give it a few minutes more. Once you can get the leaves off, just place them in a bowl or plate to cool. Remove the rest of the leaves you'll need and then take the remaining cabbage out of the pot and set it aside to cool for use in some other recipe. When I made mine, I needed 9 cabbage leaves.

 

For the meat, in a large saute pan, heat the olive oil a bit over medium heat. Add both halves of the diced onion. Saute until they start to look translucent - about 5 minutes depending on the size of your dice. Add both garlic cloves and cook a minute or two more, until fragrant. Put half of the onions in your blender and leave the remainder in the pan. Add your beef, cauliflower, salt, and pepper. Cook until meat is brown and cauliflower is mostly translucent. At this stage, you're also waiting for the water in the cauliflower to release and cook off in the saute pan - otherwise, the mixture will be too soggy when we go to roll .

 

While the meat is cooking, toss your sun dried tomatoes and the juice from your 28 ounces of tomatoes into the blender with your onions. Pulse a bit until the mixture is smooth. Add your tomatoes, tomato paste, vinegar of choice, parsley, Italian seasoning, oregano, basil, black pepper, crushed red pepper, garlic powder, and onion powder to the blender and pulse away until it's the desired chunkiness. I wanted mine pretty smooth for this so I just whizzed for a minute or two. At this point, take a cup of the sauce and put it into the cooking meat mixture but leave the rest in the blender. To the sauce remaining in the blender, add about a cup of chicken stock and give it another whirr, just to incorporate the stock. We want the tomato mixture to be pretty liquid because water will cook out of the sauce while it's in the oven and you still want to have some sauce for your stuff cabbage once it's finished cooking. Taste it. It should taste good to you - if not, adjust the seasonings to your preference, but go easy on the salt since we have a nice bit in the meat already.

 

When the meat is done, turn the heat off and wait for it to cool. While it cools, cut a V into each of your cabbage leaves to remove the tough core part. That won't roll well. Once you cut the V, the leaves should pretty much lay flat.

 

Get out your dutch oven. Put enough sauce in the bottom of the dutch oven to cover it in a thin layer. Once the meat is cool, add the two eggs and give it a quick mix.

 

On to the rolling: Lay out a single cabbage leaf with the V area close to you - it should resemble a fan. Right above the notch of the V, place 1/3 cup of the meat mixture onto the cabbage leaf. Take each flap of the V and fold it over top of the meat. Fold the left and then the right (or vice verse) side of the cabbage leaf over the meat mixture. At this point, the meat should be almost fully tucked inside cabbage and kind of remind you of a burrito. Gently take the meat pocket and fold it over the remaining section of the cabbage at the top. Take your beefy, cabbage-y burrito and place it in the tomato sauce in the dutch oven with the seam side down so that all the folded areas of the cabbage roll are tucked on the bottom of the dutch oven. Repeat with the remaining cabbage leaves. Once everything's rolled and in the pot, pour the rest of the sauce over the top, which should be enough to cover all of our cabbage stogies. Put the lid on the dutch oven and put it in the oven for 1 hour and 15 to 30 minutes or until all our cabbage bundles are soft and tender (gently pierce with the tip of a knife to gauge tenderness if you need to) and the tomato sauce has thickened.

 

Serve.  Eat.  Enjoy!

The Big IF

Since I started learning about the primal lifestyle, I've heard about this IF thing. Intermitent fasting is just what it sounds like - occasional fasting. I understand that there's a strategy to IF that atheletes use and that's used to propel weight loss, but I'm not IF savvy enough to know all that at this point.

I'm also sure that there's plenty of science out there that is pro-IF and con-IF. Really, it goes against everything I've read and been told thus far about weight loss, specifically that rule that you should NEVER miss a meal. Missing a meal will slow down your metabolism and it'll be sluggish to get revved up again. OK. I accepted that as the truth - I mean, if you think about a furnace, the fire goes out if you don't make sure it's got coal. I accepted the analogy as the truth. However, after all the CW that we're just dismissing as myths as part of the primal lifestyle, I was, rather easily, ready to let that myth go. Overall, I just can't believe that my body is built to crash if I don't get a caloric jumpstart every 6 or so hours.

Anyway, I inadvertanty do IF from time to time. If I don't make the effort to fix some hard-boiled eggs and cooked bacon, I skip breakfast. I'm just not going to get up earlier than I have to just to fix breakfast and I'm definitely not going to stop and pick up something, so I go without. There are also times that I'm at work and get too busy to eat or just plain forget to eat my BAS because I'm not hungry.

Today, I decided to consciously do a 12 hour IF. I don't think I can go 24 hours at this point without being ravenous in the morning... at which point I would gorge on something from Dunkin Donuts, which totally defeats the point... so I'll stick with 12 hours for now. Right now, I'm at the tail end of that 12 hours. I had some Herbasious Grape Chicken Salad on lettuce leaves this morning right before I started and nothing but water since.

I'm so proud of myself for not cheating. Honestly, it wasn't that difficult really. The key was keeping busy. I am an emotional eater, so when I get bored on the weekends, I eat. I did pretty well this weekend and so I was a little bit less worried about cheating on the IF than if I'd done it a week ago. I didn't start getting hungry until after my activity died down. I was pretty impressed with it overall. I don't know that I feel any different - I don't even know that I'm *supposed* to feel different after the first one.

When the IF is over, what do you eat to break the fast - breakfast of course! I love breakfast for dinner, so I'm going to enjoy some bacon and eggs... maybe even some primal pancakes. Mmmmmm!

Confession 5: After 12 hours, there's been no crash and I don't really feel like I've been deprived for 12 hours either. I'm pretty curious about this IF thing. Quite often, I feel like my stomach is Audrey II: you know, FEED ME SEYMORE! Today I didn't feel that and, as my goal in all this is a great weight loss, I want to see if this is a tool that I can use to get Audrey under control.

Go Ahead... Homemade Mayo is EASY! Riiight!

Homemade mayo is easy. Homemade mayo tastes so much better than store bought. Homemade mayo is better for you. Homemade mayo is primal/paleo/low carb/all natural.

I read all these Paleo, Primal, Low Carb, All Natural, etc blogs and they all encourage you to make your own homemade mayo. With the warmer weather, I was feeling like some chicken salad and some pulled pork with cole slaw... I thought I'd make my own mayo and see how it goes. I have some culinary training - I can make an emulsion, right?

I searched my favorite primal/paleo blogs for recipes and other blogs for technique and set out to make my own mayo. I was a little wary, wondering if the taste would really be better, but I was confident that I could do it.

Well, four unsuccessful attempts later, I concede that maybe it's not so easy for all of us. The first attempt was made with bacon drippings from Health-Bent, in my mini food processor. I used the little holes in the top to drip the cool liquid bacon grease into my egg, mustard, and vinegar. Six minutes later, I had bowl full of something that looked like watered down cake batter. In the trash.

My second attempt was in a bowl with a whisk. Same recipe, different method, same results. Batch 2 in the trash.

After the second, I did a little more reading. Apparently, if it looks like your emulsion didn't properly form or breaks (probably because you'd added the oil too quickly), you can add another egg yolk and whisk it together until the emulsion comes together again and then start adding more oil.

Armed with some new information, I made attempt 3 in the blender, deciding to change the recipe to use a different type of oil. I used half olive oil and half coconut oil - I felt that the olive oil flavor would be too strong if I used all olive oil so I used half coconut, but I was concerned about the mayo solidifying too much once it was refridgerated. I put the oil mixture into a bottle streamer and tried again. Halfway through, I was so excited - I had a beautiful emulsion. It looked like yellow-ish mayo! I continued to drizzle in the rest of the oil and ... thin cake batter again. 86-ed that batch too. Damn!

I ran out of dijon. Ran out of cider vinegar. I have two eggs left and enough olive oil for one more attempt. I used some ground mustard seed for the fourth attempt, regular white vinegar, and the same oil mixture. I drizzled in the oil even slower this time, but at the halfway point, I was in trouble again. I added in my last egg yolk and whizzed and whizzed for about 2 minutes, to no avail. Strike four. UGH! ****!

Confession 4: I had everything already prepped for my cole slaw and my chicken salad (I was prepping food for several days) and had to go to the store to re-supply. I know it's a cop-out, but I just grabbed a jar of mayo while I was there and used that. I've armed myself with more information and I'm going to be trying the homemade mayo again soon.

To Primal or Not to Primal

For a CJ (Carb Junkie) like me, eating primarily protein and healthy fat is difficult with no bread or noodles or dessert. Yeah, I love steak and chicken (I'm a landlubber - don't eat water animals), but nothing beats a donut, except maybe a cupcake. I've struggled for many, many months now on making that lasting change. I mean, I couldn't even get through one day without defeating myself. I'd start to feel like I was going to be deprived, not even like I was being deprived yet!, and I'd gorge on carbs. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

But if I'm honest, I've always been like that - hence the reason I'm pushing 380 at 28. I finally made the primal leap and I'm doing it - period. Below are my top five excuses for sitting on the side-lines and my top five reasons for finally taking the plunge.

Excuses

1. I'm too fat. I'm too fat and I've been too fat for too long to make a successful change. And what's the flippin' point if I can't make it last forever? I should probably look into surgery or something because I would like to find love and have adventures and all that but surgery is probably the only realistic way for me. I've tried everything else, right, so that's all I've got left.

2. I don't have the time. I drive an hour and a half or more for work each day. I don't sleep well, so I get up late and rush in the morning. I get home and I'm tired from my day and need some time to relax. By the time all that's done, my day's pretty much used up and it's time to go to bed again.

3. I can't afford it. Organic? All natural? Grass-fed? Humanely raised/slaughtered? Specialty stores? No Ramen? New kitchen contraptions? All this crap just isn't in my budget. I wouldn't even know where to find it if I could afford it. In the long run, it's probably not any better for me than the regular stuff!

4. I don't have the strength. I've tried everything out there - what's going to make this one any different? A little less of this, a little more of that, it's just like what I did before. I couldn't do those so why would I be able to do this? I'm pretty much doomed and hopeless.

5. I don't want to put in the effort. In the end, it all boiled down to this one excuse for me. I'm not too fat, too old, or too uncoordinated to do it. I'm not too busy to prepare food, work in some exercise, or plan my meals. I spend way too much money on shitty food now anyway - even if I don't spend less, which I know I will, I'll be getting better quality and better tasting food. And I know that I'm strong enough to be able to do whatever I want and need to do. In the end, it just takes some honestly, effort, knowledge, determination, and a little faith.

Reasons

1. I want to LIVE! Capital freaking letters people! There's so much I want to get out of this life and catching the new episode of "Bones" (while great) is not on that list. I want to go sky diving, I want to climb a real mountain, I want to swim with dolphins, I want to see the pyramids, I want to complete an Ironman, I want to camp on the beach, I want to go cliff diving, I want to travel Europe, I want to learn to kick box. I want simple things too: home, hearth, happiness, love, laughter.

I suppose I feel like I've missed out on these things because I was fat. I didn't take a chance because I was afraid of being hurt. What's a little bit of pain compared to a lifetime of never knowing? In the end, I always think of something my mother told me as a child: you'll regret more of the things you don't do than those you do. Those lost chances still haunt me - I remember every single one - and I'd like to make sure there are no more lost chances.

2. I want to be healthier. I want to not worry about whether I'll develop diabetes or hypertension or high cholesterol or mobility issues or the other myriad of diseases that come with obesity. Without health, you have nothing.

3. I want to be happier. There are the aesthetic things that will make me feel happier - when all the goodies are tone and firm, when the 'ugh' spots have diminished, when I feel comfortable wearing a dress and heels, when Sunday can be 'nekkid' day in the house :), etc. But being physically stronger, having more endurance and stamina, generally feeling better... those things will make me really happy.

4. I want to be successful. I want this to actually work. I want to be successful in all aspects of my life: at work, physically, emotionally, and in relationships. I want to conquer all those things that bring me down and then help others do the same. Obesity is as much of a physical disorder as it is a mental one - you constantly berate and belittle yourself - the Good Lord help you if you don't have the balls (or ovaries) to not let the world do it to you too. Overcoming it is not as simple as dropping the pounds and I want to get past that myself - out of that Fat State of Mind - and then help others do it.

5. I want to surprise myself. I'm capable of so much more than I even know. I can't wait to figure out what that is and then share it with people. I watch The Biggest Loser and, while it's not primal and probably not all that healthy, I can identify with all the contestants on the show. This past season, in one of the early interviews, one of the female contestants is with her partner, who is her mother, and she says to her mother, "What if I can't do it?" And her mother says "But what if you can?" What if I can... I won't know unless I take the chance.. no more lost chances.

Confession 3: I'm a chicken at heart, but I want so many things and I know they don't come unless you have courage. You've got to be honest, confident, and ballsy... and I think I've got what it takes.

Have a grokkin' day folks.

In a Fat State of Mind

For a carb junkie like me, the Primal lifestyle is not easy. When I say junkie, I do mean junk, not even "healthy" carbs - white rice, tons of pasta, starchy, grainy things, IV drips of HFCS and sugar (well almost, except I'd probably need a prescription for that and I'm not fond of the doctor). Carbs were the worst, but there were plenty of other bad habits: fried foods, at least 4 cups of coffee before noon with non-dairy creamer and artificial sweetener, no exercise, way too much TV, never enough sleep, always planning but never doing. In the end, real life was passing me by while I was in my carb coma.

But, recovery is never easy - I know they can wake up from a six month coma and run a marathon 3 days later on the Young & the Restless, but that's just not possible. It takes time, persistence, confidence, dedication, and usually some pains, tears, and a whole lot of four-letter words. In the end, hopefully you make yourself proud that you took the journey and maybe make some others proud of you too.

Now, I know we're talking carbs not a coma, but it's not as simple as that for a lot of people I think. Carbs can become a crutch that you use to prop yourself up when other things aren't so great. They can become a replacement for family, friends, relationships, companionship, success, control, grief... they are comforting when faced with loneliness, heartbreak, stress, unaccomplished goals and dreams, lost potential. I think it must sound silly to people who haven't experienced it, but there it is. It's emotional eating, not rational eating people!

I, a fat person, would have denied and denied that I'm an emotional eater... until a couple of months ago. My roommate moved out and I moved my exercise equipment into her old room so I'd have an "Exercise Room" where I could focus on getting healthier and losing weight. It wasn't until about two months later, one Saturday when I was watching DVD's of "Diagnosis Murder", pulling the blinds down to block out the sun, and eating Cheetos and cupcakes (which is a common weekend activity for me) that I realized I'd moved her stuff into that room and it was now out of sight, out of mind. And I was stuffing my fat cells with this shit because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I mean, I live alone, I'm single, no kids, am an introvert so I don't have a lot of friends, don't belong to any clubs or gyms, don't volunteer, don't shop a lot because I don't like nick-knacks and most of the stores don't have clothes that fit me, block the sun out of almost all my windows, and rarely leave my apartment except to go to work, the grocery store, and a few other occasional places. What a waste of space I am! Then there was a pity party that, of course, involved more Cheetos and cupcakes, but also involved brownies and ice cream and pizza. I was going to drown my sorrows yet again - and I did!

It took a couple more months for me to come around to finally giving the primal lifestyle an honest-to-goodness try. Why'd it take so long? What finally changed my mind? I'll tell you in another post. For now, I just wanted to share my shame - yep, my pure embarrassment and shame - that I was given an opportunity to live a wonderful life, to fulfill dreams that I haven't even realized I have yet, to be fortunate enough to not have to pinch every penny, and to have warm, caring people around me and to have just squandered that for nothing. For a massive layer of fat that surrounds my body, that puts people off, that makes me feel defensive about everything, that discourages touching, that holds me back at every crossroads in my life, that suffocates my courage, the extinguishes the fire inside me, that suppresses my joy, that overshadows the person I am.

Anyway, having realized all this for soooo long, it's ridiculous that I wouldn't take steps to correct it in myself, right? Yeah, it's pretty stupid. I don't think the Primal lifestyle will be easy for a girl like me who would sell her soul to work as a taste-tester at Krispie Kreme, but I'm ready to really give it a go.

So, confession 2: I am an emotional eater! Go frickin' figure. I eat when I'm bored, depressed, lonely, stressed... bored. I gotta do something with myself - another real epiphany, I know, but this time, I'm going to make it happen. Anyway, I have to accept it for what it is - a bad habit - and move on to a Grok state of mind.

Living La Vida Primal

Hi all and welcome to my new blog. I've been flirting with primal/paleo/caveman living for a couple of months now, but haven't fully committed yet. But I've decided that it's time I took the plunge and I figured I'd create a blog to follow my progress and maybe create something that can help out any of those other white belt grok or grokkettes out there.

A little background information I guess. I have been heavy all my life - and not just a little heavy - a lot heavy. I currently weigh a little shy of 380 (yeah, pounds!). I've tried things in the past but have always had a problem with commitment and I guess, if I'm honest, I just wasn't willing/ready to put in the effort and self-control that it takes to lose weight. Anyway, a couple of years ago, I accompanied some friends on an overnight trip to Philly for the SheROX triathlon - an all-female sprint triathlon. Well, I was just blown away with the entire event and I couldn't help thinking that I would love, love, love to do something like that... if I weren't so heavy. However, as is usually the case with overweight people, I had high hopes and no follow-through. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to put in the effort it takes to do it.

Well, I signed up with my friends to do the 2010 SheROX triathlon on August 1, 2010, but (surprise, surprise), I haven't been training for it much at all. But I really want to do it. Anyway, I was doing some research about training for your first tri when I found The Triathlete's Bible. Through further research, I found Loren Cordain, then the Primal Blueprint, and finally MarksDailyApple.com.

I'm looking to lose weight and I'm hoping to make some serious, long-term changes that will make me a happier, healthier person. I think that's the way a lot of people find the PB. They come back everyday because the PB community is totally fricking awesome, Mark posts to the blog daily with great information and encourages people to challenge him, and the overall experience they foster together (Mark and his followers) is what people need to stick with something longterm.

Anyway, confession 1: I rarely commit to anything because I hate to fail and if there's no commitment, there's no feeling of failure. Right? Well, wrong for so many reasons, but I can talk myself into anything. I'm looking for more out of this life and, at 28, I don't see those things on the horizon for me. But, I can make this life into anything I want it to be and that's what I'm choosing to do. I'm taking the Primal road to a new destination.

Bon Voyage, Groks!